I actually meant to post this yesterday. 

Today Aaron was supposed to be napping.  Even though he had been disciplined already about 4 times during nap time alone…he decided to take a moment to pull little pieces of cotton batting out of my pillow. I came into the bedroom when I heard Aaron crying. Lying atop a bed filled to every corner with little itty bitty pieces of cotton, Aaron is holding one small piece in his fingers. “Mommy, that one just went into my nose!”

I left the room laughing, mostly to keep from crying. I told Josh what had happened, then went back into the bedroom. I started cleaning up the mess. This dialogue followed…

“Aaron,” I said, “Do you think it was very nice to make such a big mess?”

“No.”

“Now Mommy has to clean it up. Was it being nice to Mommy to make a mess for her to clean up?”

“No.”

“Was it honoring to God to make such a big mess?”

“No, but the piece (of cotton) was trying to kill me!!!”

Dear Readers,

Lately I haven’t been doing too well in my sanctification.  I’ve been assessing the lack of everything good in my character and been despairing. I didn’t see any consistent fruit in my life.  A few  Fruits of the Spirit would come up every now and then, but none of them characterized my life.  I was so focused on how little paitience I had with the children, how little yearning I had for the Word and prayer, how little attention I was giving to my husband, etc, etc…

 I had been listening to the lies of the accuser.  I believed that  I was  doing my children more spiritual harm than good by just being in the same room as them. I believed that since I wasn’t keeping the house as clean as I would like,   I was teaching my kids how to live like pigs.  I didn’t realize that every other mother out there who loves God and loves her kids goes through most of the same struggles I do.

I thought I was becoming more and more sinful.  I was afraid because God promises to sanctify those who trust in him and his promises.  Yet, here I was believing God’s promises and falling farther and farther away from him. I started thinking that maybe God’s promises weren’t for me after all.  Of course this terrified me.  How I longed for God’s promises to be for me! But how could they be if I was not seeing them fulfilled in my life?

I asked for prayer for my sanctification last Lord’s Day evening during worship.  After service, one of our loving elders approached Josh and me and I was able to open up a little more with my thoughts and feelings. One thing he told me that I will never forget (Lord willing), something that my dear hubby had been trying to tell me, yet for some reason it didn’t sink in, was that I was not becoming more and more sinful. I was just seeing my sin in a deeper and deeper sense.  In the midst of my trials I have been given a clearer view into the depths of my heart to see the sin that has ALWAYS been there.

Somehow the realization that I was always THIS sinful is comforting to me! Yes, I am evil and impatient and unkind and disorganized and selfish, etc…BUT I am not getting worse! How merciful God is to let me see my sin.  Even seeing my sin in a deeper sense is part of my sanctification.

The trials in my life, however superficial or deep, ARE sanctifying me. Whether I realize it or not. The process isn’t pretty, or easy.  And I pray that as God is sanctifying me through the trials he has hand-tailored for me, he will also give those around me the patience and grace to put up with me.

 Pray for me and my family if you think about it.  I don’t like my trials. I don’t like my sin. I don’t like myself most of the time. This road is temporary and eventually I’ll reach glory.  I believe that’s one thing that is promised to me.  But the road is also long and hard.  I thank the Lord for his promise to preserve me, because if it were left up to me to persevere on my own I would have fallen away long ago.